regression

as the common application opens, and i begin to ponder my future- i begin to realize that i've fallen into the trap that i originally set out to escape. i've fallen into meaningless specialization, and i know it from the interminable feeling that permeates my heart whenever i look toward my future. i was set on a STEM major, specifically mechanical engineering. i saw it as the creation aspect of the STEM world- i found it to be the perfect balance of art and practicality.

but that was a lie. it's the imperfect balance of logic and deceit, the everlasting feeling that it's driven by a want to conform. that i've succumbed to society's fate, letting the jaws of this life sink its teeth deep into my neck. i bleed blue.

what i've failed to account for is my burning urge to pursue writing. to pursue what has driven me this far; but also to pursue mathematics- or history, for that matter. or, what about philosophy? journalism? theology?

i've forgotten that nagging voice that traps my thoughts- the voice that feeds me curiosity and indecision, longing and envy. that prompts the heart-sinking feeling that whatever i decide to move forward with will be my ultimate demise.

i think my latest posts have all conveyed this topic in different ways, but each time i come to the same conclusion... a conclusion of nothing; of uncertainty; of longing.