longing? jealousy?

today i came across a tiktok of a girl getting pulled up on stage at a concert for a band that i absolutely adore; that truly made me fall in love with music at such a dark time in my life. the video was from a while ago- probably years, but it's crazy how it came up right when i was trying to get tickets to their tour, but i couldn't due to distance.

and wow- am i bitter. i started crying UNCONTROLLABLY. i wanted to be happy for her, but i don't think i've ever felt more jealous in my life.

the other night, i caught myself unable to enjoy a night out with my family because i was too preoccupied with scanning my surroundings, analyzing the perceived lives of those around me. those older, clubbing- partying without a care in the world; those younger, skipping through the beach with their friends in hand; those working, getting ready to clap and cheer for the seventh birthday celebration in a row; those wandering; those moonbathing- but that wasn't jealousy. i KNOW that wasn't jealousy. i didn't want to BE them, per se. i wanted to experience that. i just quietly added everything i saw to my everlastingly long (and unrealistic) list of things i would do as i got older.

katelyn's list of longing

• work at an upscale italian restaurant

• get wasted in another state w/ girlfriends... preferably florida

• take my partner on a date at said italian restaurant and secretly tell the waitress that it's his birthday- hopefully before i start working there

• become a dj, primarily in my college years. engineering student by day, DJ by night

• become a bartender before i reach the age of 21

• use years of bujo lettering experience to become a trader joe's sign artist

• own a souvenir store in a place i am not native to

• play in a live band at some restaurant, preferably saxophone
  

like i said- unrealistic. but SO on brand. that list only encapsulates the experiences i somehow convinced myself i craved in one night...

i definitely possess a superiority complex. i never thought that usual teen insecurity that's talked about in movies would catch up to me, but when it hit me- it felt like more. even in my pain, i strive to be more impactful. it couldn't hurt normally- it had to be soul-crushing, gut-wrenching, akin to the feeling of my mind being forcefully separated from my body, my skin peeled off excruciatingly, leaving nothing but the raw, disgusting me.

real melodramatic.

i find it hard to distinguish if i am just this nasty, bitter, envious human being, or if i am this whimsical, dreamy, airheaded free-spirit. i never know if i'm purposefully underexplaining my idea of longing or overexplaining my feelings of jealousy- i never know if anything i produce is authentic to me, or instead fueled by my pipe dream; to be the one who does it all. a renaissance woman- if you will. but even that- is that fueled by my own individual desire? is it instead fueled by the way i want to be recognized by those around me?

jealousy? ≠ longing?

is it all the same?