future physicist

I came all the way here for this— great.

That morning, I watched my alarm ring as the clock hit 6:00. It was definitely much more eventful than watching the rest; 5:31…. 5:32… 5:33… it all blurred together at some point, I guess. My real focus lay inside my head as I imagined the soles of my feet rushing to class along the concrete-lined sidewalks of the university, imagined myself barely keeping balance carrying a pile of poorly stacked books after a swipe of my new student library card.

College season really sucks. But I made it through. I picked a school— that means I’m already halfway there. For a junior, I’m even more ahead. Most kids are still figuring out what they’re interested in, but I know. I’ll be a physicist! The Albert Einstein of my generation— maybe Isaac Newton or Neils Bohr, I can already see myself on stage accepting my Nobel Prize, thanking my teachers and family; it’s all right in front of me.

I rose from my bed like a spring was underneath me; my ambition and excitement were the only force needed to propel me forward. I had my outfit picked out: a gorgeous black-knitted sweater that hung just enough off my shoulder to show my protruding collarbones and clung to my curves just enough to outline my body slightly. Paired with the jeans I bought just for the occasion, a deep, rich dark wash to offset the black sweater, falling just below my belly button and flaring out at the bottoms— I was ready. I’d never been so proud of an outfit, so simple but flattering— but it wasn’t the outfit I was proud of. It was me. I was full of pride, prideful in my appearance, my goals, and my dreams, and I just knew that stepping onto campus would mean it would all come true. My outfit needed one more thing. I pulled a thick, black ribbon from my bag and used it to tie my hair— now, I could leave.

My aunt came to the door and pushed it open, hitting me slightly as I was eagerly waiting for her arrival. Before we left the lobby I stopped her, wanting to get something to drink for the way, since this institution was particularly far from the hotel we booked. My eyes wandered the selection of powdered drinks: coffee… tea… coffee again… hot chocolate! Just like that, I was ready.

When I walked in, it all changed. Suddenly, it felt like the ribbon in my hair drooped down like a sunflower on its final days, left tired and wilted, awaiting death. I threw out the hot chocolate, though it was only barely empty, and took my seat. The auditorium was big, yet I felt bigger. In a sea full of men— there was me. Just me. The wool-knit sweater began to itch, and I wanted so badly to get up and leave. I couldn’t even focus on the presentation, instead, I could only look in the past— it was then I realized what Einstein, Newton and Bohr all had in common.

They were men.