posers

pos·er1

/ˈpōzər/

noun

1. a person who acts in an affected manner in order to impress others.

i just watched lords of chaos (again). while objectively inaccurate, the movie is pretty good, and it stars my king rory culkin. i swear, everytime euronymous was on the screen- drooling.

but, on a real note, i appreciated the film, especially because of the way they portrayed euronymous. unbeknownst to most people- i am a HUGE metalhead- it's a little funny when i tell people. i just don't look like it. but, i mention it to say that i understand the fallacies of the movie and i know the tragic story of mayhem. i also know that in real life, euronymous and varg were the 90s equivalent of reddit edge lords who think that they're "enlightened," when in reality, they were just... losers. i found that when i watched the movie disregarding my prior knowledge, i enjoyed euronymous' character because of the identity crisis he faces throughout the movie. though he started "true norwegian black metal" and mayhem, through the end of the movie varg tells him that everyone took action except him. euronymous just took the credit, and some could make the argument that he was a true "poser-" but he still had that passion.

that begs the question: "is passion suitable in place of action?"

and wow, that question hit home.

i would call myself a jack of all trades, maybe a renaissance woman. i pick up hobbies and put them down just as fast. it's fun, but i question if i do it because i truly enjoy creating and learning or because it makes me seem like an interesting person. ill be honest, i love telling people that i can play the tuba and that i create dnd maps, but oftentimes i find myself straying away from the general WANT to create.

before this blog, i had a different account where i posted literary analysis, which i've moved here, but i often found myself happily consuming media of that hobby, but not actually writing or furthering the creation of that account. it felt like a constant envelopment in a hazy cloud, where everything around me was blurred and unclear. i didn't know which steps to take next- or if i even wanted to take any steps further. i know that inside me i have that passion, but does it mask my own passivity?

to this; i have no answer. the feeling of stagnancy plagues me endlessly, holding the soles of my feet down with every step forward i try to take. but even that thinking is problematic in and of itself; is it that feeling that bounds my feet to the floor, or is it my own inability to move?

it's a little funny how this all came out of lords of choas- which i only rewatched because rory culkin is hot.